He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
