I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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