Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
