the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat