I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
