After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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