It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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