my phone needs a breathalizer
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
