God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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