I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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