I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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