i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
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I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush