he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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