If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
