my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
are you so shy because you have an std?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
