Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Can you bring me the toilet please
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
