Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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