That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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