If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
