I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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