dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
