my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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