Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
