The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
