there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
