I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Someone signed my nipple.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
