i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
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We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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