My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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