Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
