Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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