I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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