My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
