I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
