I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
