Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
