remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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