His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
