At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
