I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
