I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
