its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
