I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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