she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
