just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
