By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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