On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
