Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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