The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
