She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
