Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
