epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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