Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
