If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
