He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
