When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
