I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My cat gives me a boner
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Randomize
