i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
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