I met the friendliest cop last night
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
