I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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